Easily distracted, indecisive, fickle, mercurial – these words describe my life. There’s a lot more to me than my volatile nature, but it is the undertone of my life. That’s why I’ve started yet another new blog.
It’s not in my nature to focus on any one thing for very long, and I have a lot of interests. I’m still trying to figure out where I’m headed with my life, too, and what I really want to do, so there are so many things to write about. Maybe as I blog about my life, things will become clearer. If not, hopefully at least I’ll entertain some people!
Usually, I’m not too vocal about my religious beliefs because I’m so self-conscious. I don’t want people to judge me, or think less of me. But I recently made the decision – after years of thought – to declare myself an Atheist. Every Sunday, beginning when I was a toddler, I went to the local Presbyterian church with my grandparents. I had fun in Sunday School because I got to see friends, make crafts, and enjoy tasty snacks. I was never indoctrinated the way many children are, but some of the teachings and beliefs still stuck with me.
As I got older, I had to move on from the ‘Jesus loves me’ crafts and into the regular Sunday service with the adults. It was time to listen to the pastor preach, and sing dreary hymns, and read incomprehensible passages from the Bible. I dreaded Sunday mornings then. While my parents slept in, I had to don my stockings and trudge to church with my grandmother, who told me that I would go to hell if I didn’t attend service with her.
By the time I was fifteen, I was having panic attacks often, including every Sunday morning. I spent the hour-long church services trying to control my shaking limbs, and doodling on the back of a leaflet in an effort to distract myself from the nausea, the tightness in my chest, and the fear. It wasn’t long before I declared to my grandmother that I would not attend church with her again.
I minored in Religious Studies in college, so I spent a lot of my time learning about many beliefs, including Christianity. I dissected passages from the Bible, I read works of militant Atheists and the most devout Christians. One of my classes was devoted solely to the study of the relationship between democracy and Christianity, and we read from original sources dating back to the 1600’s.
I also analyzed Judaism, Islam, Hinduism, Buddhism, Confucianism, Taoism, and many other beliefs found across the world. I fancied myself a Buddhist for a time, but their beliefs regarding how Siddhartha became enlightened, and reincarnation were far too fanciful for me. It was then that I realized that I was merely clinging to few aspects of Christianity out of superstition and a fear of change, not out of any sort of true belief or faith.
After so much studying of religions and of science, after living on this beautiful, horrible planet for twenty-five years, after watching as Christians try to force their beliefs on others by attempting to ban abortions and gay marriage, I have realized that the only logical conclusion is that there are no gods.